[Lights dim. Timpani drum roll. Baritone-voiced announcer booms throughout the auditorium.]
Ladies and gentlemen…welcome! to the 2011 Second Annual Sooper-Proodey Awards. Here are your hosts, SooperMexican and Prudence Paine.
[Curtains part. Sooper enters in a dashing black tuxedo and red cape, with Proodey in a matching evening gown, to uproarious applause. Soop smiles and motions for everyone to take their seats.]
Thank you, thank you. You are too kind. Gracias. Thank you. It’s such a pleasure to have you all join us once again as we take a moment on New Year’s Day to look over all the scandals, shenanigans, milestones and memories of the past year. As with our inaugural 2010 ceremony, we’ll mark our progress with comparisons to the previous year. Proodey?
THE FEDERAL BOOT ON OUR THROATS AWARD
In 2010, the Obama administration erected a federal caged wrestling ring and demonstrated their cunning honey badger nature in carrying out their grudge match against Big Business. We all gasped at their audacity as Obama’s tag team threw the giant BP to the mat, cracked the Folding Chair of Due Process over its corporate corpus and placed their lead-filled boot on the company’s throat until it cried “uncle” and stuffed twenty billion dollars into the presidential unitard.
In 2011, the O-team has not let up on its full-scale assault on the engines of the US economy, breathing down Business’ back and picking its pockets, acting like they just don’t care as corporate America yelps for mercy. This year, the Obama crew has gone after private industry with a vengeance, smashing the beautifully inlaid neck of Gibson Guitar with a piledriver maneuver and putting the Keystone Pipeline in a sleeper hold.
[pops envelope flap open]
Boeing! [approving applause]
Obama’s union minions dizzied this behemoth with a lengthy airplane spin, until it begged to be allowed to use union labor forevermore. Congratulations, fellas! For caving in to the National Labor Relations Board‘s demands, your planes will being weighted down with a fat and nappy workforce for years to come. Come on up and claim your award, Boeing!
[The still punch-drunk Boeing staggers toward the stage but stumbles and falls into some starlet's lap. Audience gasps, giggles and guffaws.]
Ooof! Boeing’s gonna have one major hangover tomorrow! That’s okay, boys. We’ll send your award over to you, with an icepack and some bloody mary mix. Take it away, Soop! What’s up next?
On a more somber note, every year we see capricious mother Gaia strike down our fellow man for our sins against our emotional global mother. In 2010, Haiti experienced one of the worst nature-caused disasters, and 2011 had its own share of anguish and misery. A massive earthquake struck off the coast of Japan, which triggered a disastrous tsunami. Storms hit Alabama with terrible results, flooding enveloped Thailand, and a 7.2 earthquake caused many deaths in Turkey.
In order to recognize that life has many trials and tribulations, we offer the following acknowledgement:
THE WORST GAIA-CURSED DISASTER TO BEFALL MAN FOR 2011
…and the winnah is…
The 2012 GOP Presidential Candidates!!!
Yes, yes, even the most positive Pollyannaish pro-Republican ideologue could not but grimace at the stumbling and bumbling events of the 2012 GOP run to replace Obama. From Cain’s numerous “indiscretions,” which were obviously trumped up by pizza-hating conspirators, and Rick Perry’s marble-mouthed rhetorical skills, to Michele Bachmann’s flapping eyelashes, Ron Paul’s Paulophrenia, and Mitt Romney’s placid smile programmed and poll-tested by his Wall Street puppeteers, no one seems pleased by the debates. No one, that is, except the Democrats, as the venerable Thomas Sowell points out.
Let’s not forget whiny Rick Santorum, demanding attention like a petulant teacher’s pet, or Jon Huntsman, the only one running for European president of the United States, with his not-so-subtle condescension and clumsy attempts at edgy humor. There was the awful effort by Donald Trump’s toupee to moderate a debate in order to promote his show and advocate the bombing of China and the forced extraction of Iraqi children’s vital fluids.
Today the feeding frenzy will be consummated by the first caucus, in Iowa, and the circular firing squad will arm itself with automatic weaponry to take more victims on this bloody, weary road to challenge Obama. More and more, we, the conservative public, are seized with the boring dread of impending election acceptance. Perhaps this campaign season has done to us what 40 years of Europeanized social engineering could not do: afflicted us with existential ennui!
[With a clenched smile, she whispers into Soop's ear. The audience hushes to strain to listen to her barely audible words over the PA.] Mexy! While I can tolerate some gentle jabbing at MY Michele and the two Ricks, I did not know that you were going to protect one candidate from any lambasting. And how convenient that unmentioned candidate just happens to be YOUR candidate, the Noot!!!!
[Soop gently shoves Proodey behind curtain]
As I was saying… Not even Paul Krugman could see an upside to this disaster, and he’s a Keynesian! I need a tequila shot or three. Proodey, take away the next award!
[Proodey slips a mickey into Soop's drink while he's distracted by her dress.]
Last year, the Tea Party changed the face of Congress and put fear in the pants of big spenders. Did Time magazine make the Tea Party the Man of the Year, acknowledge that they had made the greatest impact on the events of 2010? Silly question, I know. Of course it did not. Because Time does not agree with the Tea Party’s objectives.
Yet Time had the brazenness to name a bunch of rock-throwing, raping, cop-car-defecating, lice-infested hipsters as its 2011 Man of the Year. It raised on to its liberal pedestal people who have no mission other than to provoke local police forces and municipal governments that have no means to resolve their unstated concerns even if they agreed with them.
Therefore, in honor of Time‘s glorification of civic inanity and hippie nostalgia, we present…
TIME’S SCAM OF THE YEAR AWARD!
We searched through all the Occupy Wall Street videos to find the one that best captures their purpose, their intelligence, their method of communicating to shine the light on Time’s vaunted Man of the Year.
And the winner is…..
Nightmare on Occupy Wall Street! [audience gives twinkles]
Ecce the prime example of what Time (the measure, not the magazine) will soon forget, if it ever took notice in the first place:
Take it away, el Sooper! Not that I’m implying that you steal stuff. By the way, I’d like my hubcaps back, please….
This year has seen the coming-of-age of that venerable social media microblogging platform that I like to call… el Twitter. We saw celebrities, sports figures, politicians, pundits all make headlines because of their inane and often incredibly stupid gaffes on twitter! In addition, we saw many bloggers and citizen journalists use this media to seize fifteen minutes of fame, and beyond!
Last year, we awarded this honor named for Meghan McCain to Keith Olbermann, the worst tweeter in the world; this year, we have many, many worthy nominees competing for the coveted:
MEGHAN McCAIN BOOBY PRIZE!
And the winner is… [breaks pinata… kids grab all the candies. Soop waltzes into the mexi-throng, grabs an envelope and opens it…]
The winner is Alec Baldwin!!
[the crowd goes wild, laughing and clapping and tweeting insults to the #AlecBaldwin hashtag]
Only Alec Baldwin could carry the moron torch that hath been passed on by Keith Olbermann with his liberal twitter rant spurtings. He began his lonely drunken march into insanity by tussling with a very handsome and witty Sooper Mexican on twitter once, and then once again. He insulted America’s moms, and tried to mock conservatives on twitter by comparing his follower and tweet counts! Now there’s a man who’s secure with himself.
To add insult to his own mental injury, he caused a scene on an airplane, had to be tossed off by the captain, and tweeted arrogantly about it. He then shamelessly portrayed the pilot apologizing to Baldwin on Saturday Night Live, showing the entire world his smug vainglory cannot be quelled! Thankfully, the ridicule he received made him recede from the twittersphere at least…
Finally, as a Christmas gift to America, Alec sadly announced that his dream had died of rising above a bit character on a sitcom with poor ratings and running for mayor of New York City.
As the writer of the twitter pebble that got the big idiotic elitist rock rolling towards the abyss, I’d like to say, “Thank you, Alec. Thank you so much.”
[Sooper bows to a standing ovation, breaks the award over his knee, and motions to Prudence.]
That was quite a sooper smackdown! And the bad behavior continued all over the world all year long—and not just by celebrities. Politicians competed to see who could crash and burn in the most dazzling sex scandal. In honor of 2010′s most bizarre sex scandal leading to the resignation of a political figure, we present…
[tambourine shake, shake, shake, thump]
THE ERIC MASSA “TICKLE ME” AWARD!
And our nominees are…
[chorus of bleating vuvuzela horns]
Arnold Schwarzenegger! He admitted to his mistress and his 13-year-old love child. Since he waited until after his term as a liberal Republican governor of California ran out before he revealed this teenage tidbit, he didn’t lose his job—-but he did lose a wife…maybe.
Then there’s John Edwards. Fortunately for us, he never made it into the Pennsylvania Avenue job for which he tried to sell his soul on Ebay, so it wasn’t his to lose. Yet there was enough proof that an old woman (and others) bought him, so he could pass her money on to hush up his pregnant honey. After years of his running from the law and paparazzi, a grand jury handed down an indictment earlier this year, leaving him to insinuate that he was contemplating suicide and begging his mistress to marry him or move in so that she can’t testify against him.
Across the pond, there was Silvio Berlusconi losing his long-held job as Italy’s Prime Minister for his hosting teenage prostitutes at his “bunga bunga” sex dinners. (Guess even Italians that elect a porn star and a pre-op transgender communist to their parliament have their limits for political propriety.)
Straddling the pond, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, head of the International Monetary Fund, got accused of rape by a hotel maid, only to have the New York district attorney drop the charges against him when the woman’s accusations seemed to fall apart, but not before DSK resigned from his job and a French journalist claimed he tried to rape her during an interview in 2002.
Businessman Herman Cain’s train to the White House was quickly derailed once decade-old charges of sexual harassment turned into the revelation of a 13-year mistress. (Wonder if a numerologist would connect him and Arnold on that?)
And last but not least, we have the Three Lustkateers: Chris Lee (R-NY), he of the bare chested Craigslist ad that turns out of have been seeking transgendered hookups; David Wu (D-OR), happily insane he of the footie tiger suit and affair with the underage daughter of a supporter; and Anthony Weiner (D-NY), he of the underwear tweets who apparently was also trying to arrange a male-dominated menage a trois with women he was sexting around the country.
Trannies and tigers and trios, oh my!
Out of all of these philanderers, the one that tickles us the most, and therefore the winner, is….may I have the envelope please…
[Andrew Breitbart moseys out and over to the microphone, carrying the award envelope. He addresses the surprised audience, as their bewilderment turns to excited cheers of recognition.]
I’m here coincidentally. I just arrived at LaGuardia and at the media’s request, I came on over. I didn’t know they were going to be announcing this. I’m staying at a hotel about three blocks away, so I decided to come on by and see who the winner was. [Audience murmurs. Breitbart rips open the envelope]
And the winner of the Tickle Me Massa Award is…
…for perpetuating a false malicious meme in blaming the messenger, blowing up his own job while still keeping his Twitter open (unlike Alec Baldwin doing the reverse)…
[Thunderous audience applause]
Let’s use this moment to present our new…
This special prize goes to our favorite RedEye correspondent on the Fox News late night show. We completely neglected this prestigious award last year, so this fella will be forever known as our first recipient. [audience shifts nervously in their seats]
And the winner is… [maracas shake]
[Audience erupts into cheers and begins a conga line through the auditorium to Juanlu Montoya's "Ana Maria"!]
But now, back to our regularly scheduled programming, and here’s SooperMexy with another major award!
[Sooper saunters out, margarita in hand, as a mariachi band plays a peppy tune.]
As we peer glassy-eyed through the hazy margarita glass of news stories past, we’re reminded of the domestic terror attack way back in February 2010 on the IRS building in Austin, Texas. The media took no small measure of glee in quickly connecting it to every conservative they could think of, short of claiming it was an inside job organized by Abe Lincoln. 2011 saw its own share of some of the worst knee-jerk media reactions to underdeveloped stories. But with the emergence of New Media, the common person has been able to define for himself the context of the news he reads, and even craft his own headlines! In fact, pinko commie media has gotten so bad, conservatives have gotten tired of hearing about it; it’s the same old story, over and over.
In that spirit, let’s delve into boredom once more, and see the worst…
KNEE-JERK MEDIA REACTION of 2011!
[tweets out to the prize committee from his iPhone. Receives a direct message… reads:]
And the winner is.. whoah! This unprecedented!!! A Three-Way tie!!! [confused applause]
The winners are… the pathetic media coverage of the Arab Spring in Egypt, the tragic shooting of Gabby Giffords, and the Oslo shooter!
The supposed Arab Spring in Egypt was lauded by media pundits as a democratic uprising against a Middle Eastern tyrant, Hosni Mubarak. As the coverage continued, as much as news outlets wanted to assign credit to their saint and savior Barack Obama, he would not speak out in favor of the revolution, nor would he send any support. The days ticked by as his bony, gangly finger stuck stubbornly in the air, trying to sense what wind of fortune would direct his vague and ill-conceived foreign policy. Meanwhile, the media, and later, the Occupy protestors, gladly embraced the overthrow, with not a thought to the chance that maybe this pro-Western despot might be the only thing keeping the extremist Islamo-fascists from power.
Now, in an incredible effort to backpedal, the Left is trying to rebrand the Muslim Brotherhood as moderates, since even more extreme Islamists seized power in recent elections. It’s tough to stay intellectually honest while justifying your discredited biases!
Second, just to be fair, is the knee-jerk reaction of conservatives, including myself, when the horrible news of the Oslo shootings came out. Immediately, and I think reasonably, many conservatives posited that this was an Islamist attack. As the details came out, we realized that this was the shooter the media was waiting for: Caucasian, supposedly Christian, easily labeled as a right-wing extremist. Then, surprisingly, as more details came out, he seemed to end up being some weird mix of European nationalism and Nietzschean power-of-the-will atheist existentialism.
Finally, the terrible shooting of Gabby Giffords (D-AZ) provided us with the worst and most maddening of knee-jerk reactions by the media. Before the victims’ blood could dry, the media had already gleefully pinned this on Sarah Palin and other conservatives. Markos of the Daily Kos broke the speed of sound while running to type this accusation: “Mission Accomplished, Sarah Palin.” They voraciously reported on any tidbit of insinuation that the insane shooter, Jared Loughner, was a Tea Partier (he wasn’t), a Rush Limbaugh enthusiast (nope, not that either), or a rabid conservative (wrong again). As it turns out, he was obsessed with a grammatical conspiracy that brainwashes Americans.
Far from admitting his insanity, and their culpability, the media will allow the occasional vague attribution of guilt to Sarah Palin, the lightning rod of liberal criticism. This was so egregious that it occasioned an famous opinion column by Jonah Goldberg entitled “To Hell With You People,” wherein he documents instance after instance of Democrats calling conservatives terrorists, and then claiming the high ground when accusing us of violent hate-speech that supposedly led to the Giffords’ shooting.
So to you, the gutless, idiotic, double-faced media, we give you this award. We’re sure there will be many more to come!
Ahhh, what a show! *hic* As this ceremony and what’s left of my sobriety come to a close, I’d like to thank everyone for such a great year in twitter politics! Oh the hashtag games, and snarky political commentaritweets that we had! And a great big thanks to guest bloggerette Prudence Paine!!
And thank you to my debonair guest blogger, SooperMexican. What a night it’s been! Your chariot awaits, Mexy. [loads him into a wheelbarrow and starts rolling him out]
[SooperMexy calls out over his shoulder:] But before you go, vote on the last GringOpinion poll of 2011: which one of the awardees should win the grand prize? Write-ins welcome!
[curtain closes. orchestra begins the recessional music. audience meanders out in a daze...AFTER casting their poll vote!]